Category: Joke Board
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@ !@$$!%!@* !!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat
was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Oh my god. I hope that's not a true story lol. That would totally suck.
OMG, Nem, what possessed you, lol? I always wondered what they do and it sounds like you have real-life experience.
Holy God! I can't stop laughing! Your description is too funny. But I do have a question, what do you eman it won't work unless soemthing metal is touched? or soemthing like that. But, at least you knwo it works now. grins.
Oh my God that is so funny, I knew what you were going to do before you did it, but thought "noone would be that stupid!"
Wrong again.
Incidentally, did you ever find 'em?
<lol>
Bob
I laugh my ass off when I read this. Come on you all don't think I really did this myself do you? hehehehehe. This Darwin award doesn't go to me this time. lol. I got this as a forward from a gal I work with. It would be classic though.
Thanks for your votes of confidence. By the way, the burn mark remark has to do with the idea that the electricitie burned the microwave.
Lap it up,
Nem-
Yeah a real man thing. hahaha
Nem, I knew you weren't talking about yourself because I think I've read this before. But if I remember correctly, it is supposed to be a true story. I hope the guy never did find his balls. He doesn't deserve to. LOL